


Mairu and Kururi's Great Tales of Adventure Stalking the Matsuno Brothers (Memes Included)

by Kyuniichi



Category: Durarara!!, おそ松さん | Osomatsu-san (Anime)
Genre: Crack-ish, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mairu is just a meme machine, Shitty memes, also Mairu/Kururi, but again don't take it seriously, but jokingly so don't worry, but that's kind of a given, don't take this story seriously, entirely in Mairu's P.O.V, i'm shit at writing serious romance, lots of harmless flirting between the Orihara twins and the Matsuno brothers, mentions of other Durarara characters, rated PG for Pretty Gay, seriously the memes are pretty shitty, she spends too much time on Tumblr, small hints of blmatsu, that's MY headcanon, you don't really have to know much about Durarara
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-15 09:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9229511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyuniichi/pseuds/Kyuniichi
Summary: In a strange twist of events (though, really, it wasn't that strange; Izaya was bound to kick them out of the house eventually), Mairu and Kururi move to a city where they meet an odd set of sextuplets. Through another strange twist of events, they make it their sole mission to stalk the brothers throughout their daily lives.Warning: Dank memes ahead.





	1. mlg 2fast4me

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Prologue](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6775747) by [umbrella-milk (xorli)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xorli/pseuds/umbrella-milk). 



> Hiya~ Kyuni here! Welcome to my first story here on AO3. This is a small project that I had been planning for a long while, but never had the actual guts to post anywhere. Also, fun fact, this story is largely inspired by the story Prologue by umbrella-milk (xorli). You should check it out, it's 10x more funnier than this, and it has double the memes.
> 
> I've always thought that Kururi and Mairu were a bit like Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu, so that's what inspired me to write this as a cross-over fic in the first place. I do hope you enjoy it, and if you don't, that's fine too! Even if no one really likes this, I'll just continue to write it as a self-indulgent thing. Also, please excuse any typos and such, I literally went over this myself a thousand times, but I'm sure there's bound to be some errors still.

Dusty. That was the only word I could think of to describe our new house. I guess it was pretty spacious as well, but that was to be expected, it was our brother’s ‘vacation home’, as he called it. Despite the fact that it was in a pretty quiet town in the middle of nowhere.

Our brother was also a bit of an asshole, thinking it was okay to just leave two poor little girls in a dusty house all on their own.

But, to be honest, once we move more furniture in and finally unpack our things, I think this place might look pretty cool.

There was a nice big empty room on the first floor which I would assume was going to be the living room. Maybe add a low table in the middle, occasionally switching it out with the kotatsu when it was cold, and connect our television and gaming consoles for some late night video gaming, and it’ll certainly feel like home.

Of course there was a kitchen as well. Not much about that. It was just a kitchen.

I realized I hadn’t even bothered to check the second floor yet, so with renewed vigor, I bounced up the stairs, practically skipping.

Ahead of me lay a hallway with three doors. Two on the left and one on the right. The first one I happened to open was the right one, and it was the bathroom. Again, not much to say. Just a bathroom. Though the bathtub looked spacious, which meant Kururi and I could still share our baths!

Hell yeah.

Twirling around, I opened the first door on the left, discovering a room that looked quite similar to the living room on the first floor, though a bit smaller. And the one thing that was blaringly different was the motherfucking balcony holy fc u k.

Letting out a long gasp that would certainly earn me strange looks if others were nearby, I ran over to the balcony, placing my hands on the railing. I could just about see most of the town, including the house right across from us.

Damn, we could spy on our neighbors and shit. Like a tru detective.

This room was hands down the best room. I don’t even need to explore the rest of the house. Maybe we should put the television in here. I would love to game and sit right next to fresh air at the same time. Maybe add a few beanbags, a small table, and holy fuck our bookcase and desk.

“Please calm down.”

Flailing a bit, I turned to see my sister, Kururi, standing at the doorway. It didn’t even occur to me that I haven’t seen her since I entered the house. In her hands were a few suitcases, so I assumed she was probably getting them from our taxi while I was too busy hyperventilating to help.

“Kururi, isn’t this room great? We could totally use this as a room to chillax in, you know, play some games, own some n00bs on the internet?” I twirled around again, moving to the middle of the room.

Kururi finally stepped into the room, dragging the suitcases behind her, “Bedroom.”

“I don’t need to check the bedroom. I think I wanna sleep in here.”

My sister didn’t reply, instead, she slowly tilted her head.

“Oh, that’s right, our bed is already in the bedroom, huh? That reminds me, when will the moving truck be here?”

“Tomorrow afternoon.”

“I see. Well it’s a good thing we had some of our more important things arrive early, like our bed and television!” I paused, looking around a bit, “Wait, where is our television?”

Kururi turned and started walking out the door, so I immediately followed her. She led me to the third door at the end of the hall, the only one I haven’t seen yet. Opening the door, Kururi showed me, as mentioned before, our bed that had arrived earlier today. As well as our television and gaming consoles.

“Nononono, that won’t do! Come on, let’s move this to the Sex DungeonTM.” I had said TM aloud as I waddled over to one side of the television, getting ready to lift it.

“We’re not calling it that.” Kururi said as she grabbed the other end, and together, we slowly and carefully carried the television to the Sex DungeonTM.

I’m so totally calling it that.

~

I had taken up the responsibility to hook up the television and gaming consoles while Kururi unpacked our collection of video games from one of the suitcases. She had mainly piled them up next to the television, seeing as how the bookcase we usually kept them on wasn’t here yet.

Once she was done with that, Kururi simply threw the other suitcase, the one with our clothes, onto the bed in our bedroom, only opening it to get out all of the bathroom related items, such as soap, hair products, and other toiletries.

I leaned back on my hands while she came back into the room, idly waiting for our consoles to connect to the internet. I took note of how stiff the floor was, and I was sure that my butt would soon get sore if I stayed on the floor for too long.

Yeah, the beanbags will be the first to get unpacked once the moving truck gets here.

“So I’m totally allowed to play a few matches of Overwatch before we start thinking about dinner, right?” I asked, lazily pointing to the television as I glanced at my sister.

Kururi didn’t answer as she gazed out the balcony, as if thinking. Eventually, she shrugged slightly, “Sure.”

Giddy with excitement, because hot damn I haven’t played Overwatch for the past few hours and that’s certainly not okay, I searched through the games and eventually found my favorite.

Kururi plopped down on the floor beside me, our shared phone and laptop in her hands, as she got ready to connect them to the internet as well.

~

“Dinner.”

“Oh, you’re hungry?” I had just finished up another match, a little pissed that fucking Bastion got play of the game. I left the match and stood up, stretching my back, “Damn, my ass bones hurt.”

Kururi also stood up, getting ready to go downstairs. She didn’t complain about her own butt, despite sitting on the floor for about the same amount of time I was.

She probably had some sort of golden ass smh.

“Chinese.” She said, going down the stairs with me following behind.

“Yeah, Chinese food sounds good! We don’t need plates or utensils, they basically give them to us!” I cheered.

Kururi pulled out our cellphone to look for nearby Chinese places, and she already had a website pulled up by the time we reached the bottom of the stairs. Talk about Sanic fast.

mlg 2fast4me

I snorted to myself a little, amazed by my own meme filled mind.

Just as Kururi found the number from the website, there was a knock on our door.

We shared a glance, some of that weird twin telepathy shit going down. No one besides our brother knew we had even moved here yet, so we weren’t expecting visitors.

We both waddled to the front door, and I made sure to stand in front of Kururi in case it was some kidnapper that came to attack us. I could totally be her knight in shining armor!

However, I was a little disappointed when I opened the door to see a short elderly woman with large and slightly adorable glasses on her face. She had a kind smile, wringing her hands a little, as if nervous. When she saw us, she looked a little surprised, like she didn’t think we’d answer the door or something.

Come on, we’re not rude.

Tilting her head a little, she continued to stare, “Twins?” 

Ah, right.

“Yup! It’s nice to meet you! My name is Mairu Orihara, and this is my older twin sister, Kururi~!” Seeing as this woman was no threat, I shuffled to the side a little, not completely obscuring Kururi.

“Nice to meet you.” Kururi said softly, a small smile on her face.

“Ah, this is wonderful!” The elderly woman clapped her hands together, and before I could ask why exactly meeting twins was wonderful, she continued, “I couldn’t help but notice the moving truck that was here earlier, we don’t get a lot of new neighbors!” Oh yeah, the truck with our bed and stuff. “My name is Matsuyo Matsuno. I was hoping to come and welcome you to the neighborhood and maybe invite you to dinner!”

Now that caught my interest, “Dinner?” I asked, tilting my head a little.

“Yup! Would you like to come over for dinner and marry two of my sons?”

“Pardon?”

“Would you like to come over for dinner?”

Oh.

I shrugged, looking at Kururi. She still had our phone out, but when she saw me glance over, she put it away.

I guess that answers that.

“Well, what time does dinner start?”

She looked even more ecstatic and slightly shocked, “Oh, I’ll have it ready in about half an hour, but you can come over now and meet the rest of my family, if you’d like.” Meet the sons that she wanted us to marry? Well, I don’t see why not, it’s not like we’d actually marry them. We only need each other, after all.

“Sure, just let us take a few minutes to get ready.” I said cheerfully.

“Of course! Our house is just across the street when you’re ready to come over!” She pointed behind her where, sure enough, across the street lay a house. I noticed that it was the same house that we could see from our balcony.

Now I kind of regret thinking about spying on this woman and her family, but I’ll probably still do it anyways. I mean, it’s not like she’ll know.

After we waved her off, promising to come over in about 5 minutes or less, I shut the door and turned to Kururi.

“So? Sounds fun, right?”

“Marriage…”

“Right, right, we’re not actually gonna marry any of her sons. For all we know they could be creeps. I mean, if my sons were creeps, I’d definitely go around desperately looking for girls to marry my sons. But, it’s all the more reason to go see them!” Seeing that Kururi was probably still reluctant to go, I grinned and nudged her with my elbow, “And hey, free food~”

That seemed to help, as she suddenly turned to grab her shoes, “Let’s go.”

“Hurray~!”


	2. #deadbody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's mentioned in the tags, but this story is probably going to be entirely in Mairu's P.O.V. I don't really have enough confidence to write in Kururi's perspective. Maybe I'll have a few bonus chapters from her P.O.V just for fun, but I doubt they'd be any fun to read. Not that Kururi isn't a great character (i fuckING LOVE heR OkAY), I'm just not skilled enough to write as her. I rarely write in first person P.O.V in the first place.

The trip to Matsuyo-san’s house was pretty short. I mean, I dunno what you were expecting, it’s literally right across the street, as previously mentioned.

The house itself was almost identical to ours, though a little bigger, which makes sense; there’s at least 3 people living in this house, probably more considering Matsuyo-san had said “two of my sons”, implying she might have more than two.

I suddenly paused outside the front door, holding out my arm to stop Kururi, “Wait…” I started, scrunching my eyebrows, “What if this is something straight out of a cheesy romance manga and this woman has, like, 10 sons who are all incredibly good looking and they all fall in love with us and we’re forced to choose who to go out with?”

Kururi simply blinked at me.

“You’re right, you’re right, I’m probably overthinking this.” I shrugged, “Still, that’d be pretty funny.”

I turned back to the door, raising my fist and getting ready to knock, but was stopped by the sound of glass breaking, followed by a loud ‘thunk’ from behind us. I faltered before slowly turning my head, fist still raised in the air, and saw, I kid you not, a body lying in the middle of the street, surrounded by glass.

Kururi and I just stared, waiting to see if it was a for real, actual, dead body, because damn that’d be pretty cool. I can imagine sending a picture to our brother already, tagging it with #deadbody and a cheeky little ‘now I see why you have a vacation home here’ with a few of those crying, 100 and ok sign emojis.

You know, The Good Emojis. I’m sure he’d appreciate them more than any regular emoji.

In fact, I was already reaching into Kururi’s hoodie pocket to grab our phone when I noticed the body twitching.

“Oh, he’s alive…” I mumbled, only slightly disappointed.

Now I was stuck between helping the guy out or simply informing Matsuyo-san so she could handle all of this responsibility instead of us.

Well, it wouldn’t be the first time Kururi and I came across a man on the brink of death. But if he asked us to take him to a sushi restaurant, I’m 10,000% done.

So, with a shrug that wasn’t really directed towards anyone but myself, I skipped towards the mysterious man, prompting Kururi to follow me. I knew she probably didn’t mind either.

We side-stepped around some of the broken glass, crouching down a little to a get a closer look at the body. It was a man, probably around his early 20’s, with short black hair. I couldn’t really see his face, seeing as how he was literally lying face-down on the pavement. He wore a regular blue hoodie and casual jeans, as well as a normal pair of white socks. 

He looked so ordinary, yet he was in an unbelievably unordinary situation.

“Look…” Kururi got my attention by tugging on my sleeve, and I glanced over at her. She was looking up, pointing towards something. Following her gaze, I saw a smashed window (which would probably explain all of the glass) on the second floor of a house. The house, coincidentally, was the house we were just about to enter to enjoy a free meal.

Yeah, we should probably inform Matsuyo-san. This man was probably one of her sons.

But, on the bright side, this was one less man we’d be persuaded into marrying. You know, if he does end up dying.

“Hey, Window Man.” I said, poking at the body lightly, “You’re still alive, right?”

He didn’t really give much of a verbal reply other than a barely conscious grunt.

I let out a sigh and stood up straight, stretching my back a bit. Kururi remained crouched, tilting her head slightly, as if trying to get a better look at the man’s face.

“Welp, guess we better go tell Matsuyo-san about her half-dead son. I wonder if we’ll still get a free meal from-” I was interrupted by the sound of a door being flung open, followed by a loud screech.

“NII-SAAAAAN!” A yellow blur flew past me, Sanic fast, and came to a stop next to Window Man. As it turns out, the Sanic fast yellow blur was yet another man with short black hair, also somewhere in his early 20’s. And the ‘yellow blur’ was just his yellow hoodie, looking almost similar to my own yellow hoodie, save for the weird green pine-tree on Sanic Man’s. Yet mine was still cooler, seeing as it had doggy-ears.

Sanic Man lifted up Window Man, holding him in his arms, and started yelling again, “NII-SAN, I’M SO SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN TO SEND YOU FLYING OUT THE WINDOW!!!111@!@” If he were speaking through text, I’m sure that sentence would have been followed by many !’s and 1’s. Maybe even a few @’s.

Now that I can see Window Man’s face (though slightly bloodied and partially covered by a broken pair of sunglasses), I could tell that Window Man and Sanic Man were twins.

Huh. Imagine that.

Now I know why Matsuyo-san seemed so surprised by us. She probably thought it was fate or something.

“Jyushimatsu-nii-san, just leave him, he probably deserved it anywa- oh.” Another voice spoke up, coming from the front door that had been so violently flung open that I’m slightly surprised it was still intact.

Glancing over, I saw yet another man, and hey, look at that, he looked exactly like Sanic Man and Window Man.

So there were three of them.

Huh. Imagine that.

“G-girls!?” The new man, whom I shall dub M’lady Man, simply because of that hilarious fedora he was wearing, cried out when he spotted me and Kururi.

“What’s wrong Totty, did you come across one of Fappymatsu’s magazines again?”

“OI!” More voices came from inside the house, though these people I could not see. However, I could tell that they were all boys, and it made me wonder just how big Matsuyo-san’s family really was.

Holy shit, if my “10 overly good-looking sons” theory was right, I will be thoroughly shook. Though, honestly, they weren’t that good looking. But there were still quite a few of them.

I looked over to Kururi, who was no longer crouching, just to see how she was taking in all of this, but she had on her usual expression. 

“Boys, no fighting! We have guests coming over, remember?” Ah, finally, a voice I recognized.

“Wait, mom, you were serious about that?”

It seemed as if that question went unanswered, as Matsuyo-san’s face popped up by the door as well, right next to M’lady Man, who looked triggered just by the sight of us. I was low-key offended.

“Ah, Matsuyo-san, we’re here.” I said, not bothering to finish the second part of that sentence, which would be, ‘And we probably wouldn’t be if you hadn’t promised free food.’.

“Oh, Mairu-chan, Kururi-chan!” The older lady clapped, and I was only slightly surprised by how casual she was. But really, she was so cute, it’s kind of hard not to like her, “Dinner is just about ready, come on in!”

“Wait, these ‘guests’ you mentioned were two girls!?” M’lady Man sputtered, looking back and forth between us and his mother. I could hear Sanic Man blubbering apologies to Window Man, who didn’t say anything in response, probably because he already died at some point in the last few minutes, I’m not really sure.

“Seriously!?” An excited voice came from inside the house, and yet another look-alike appeared, hopping up and down from behind M’lady Man and Matsuyo-san.

“Jyushimatsu, bring in Karamatsu, would you?” Matsuyo-san ignored both M’lady Man and the new brother, who I haven’t dubbed yet because there’s really nothing that special about him. He just wore a plain red hoodie that had yet another pine-tree on it.

Sanic Man immediately stopped his blubbering, which I kind of missed because it was oddly adorable how he was just spouting nonsense while tenderly poking Window Man’s face, and instead grinned widely, lifting up Window Man on his back with no effort at all, “OKAY!” And he marched into the house, Matsuyo-san and M’lady Man parting ways to let him through.

I guess this was our cue to follow after them, so we did so. Really, the only reason we were even still here was because of the free food.

~

Once all of the commotion was settled and it was proven that Window Man was in fact not dead and certainly still breathing, Kururi and I were seated at a low table while Matsuyo-san was setting plates down. On the other side of the table sat 6 boys, 5 of them conscious.

Window Man certainly wasn’t dead, but he certainly wasn’t conscious either.

5 sets of eyes peered at us curiously, as if studying us. I simply smirked and winked in return, just to get a reaction out of them. Sure enough, they all got overly flustered and confused.

Huh, so they were virgins.

Either that or I was more of a sex machine than I originally thought.

“So,” I started loudly, placing my elbows on the table and leaning forward. Kururi glanced at me, probably because of my so-called ‘bad manners’, but I paid her no mind and continued, “Matsuyo-san, you didn’t tell us your sons were sextuplets. That’s pretty amazing!”

“Ah, yes, I was surprised to see that our new neighbors were twins.” Matsuyo-san then paused, “You… are twins, right? You don’t happen to have 4 other identical sisters, do you?”

“Mom!” One of the brothers hissed.

I chuckled, “Nope, just one older brother.” I purposely left out the ‘douchey’ part.

I studied the brothers once more, now that they were all lined up in front of me. They were all wearing different colored hoodies, probably as a way to tell them apart, though a few of them did have a few unique characteristics. 

Window Man, as stated before, wore a blue hoodie, and was also the only brother with sunglasses. Though now that we were inside and about to eat, someone (obviously not himself) took off those sunglasses, so now I could see that his eyebrow game was on point h o l y s h i t. I could not wait for him to wake up so I can ask him all sorts of questions.

‘Why do you wear sunglasses? They hide your wonderful thicc eyebrows. How did you survive falling out that window? Are you a legend? Can I have your autograph?’

Sanic Man, again, wore a simple yellow hoodie that was nearly the same shade of yellow as my own. Now that I got a closer look at him, a more appropriate nickname for him would be Sunshine Man, seeing as his smile could actually make flowers grow and blind people at the same time. He just seemed too sweet, too innocent for this world. He was also constantly shuffling around, as if he just couldn’t stand to sit still any longer. He just wanted to go fast. 

Let Sanic Man run pls. 

Then there was M’lady Man, and I can’t really look at him for too long without feeling the urge to laugh. Thankfully he took off that fedora from earlier, as well as the swaggy beige jacket and pink shirt, and switched to his own pink colored pine-tree hoodie before he sat down for dinner. But he still screamed ‘M’lady’ no matter how much I looked at him. I imagine he’d make a great McCree player.

Also, damn did his eyes sparkle.

I finally managed to come up with a decent nickname for the brother in the red hoodie, Nose Man. Simply because he had an odd tick of rubbing the underside of his nose with his index finger. I wonder if he was even aware of it. There wasn’t really much to say about him. Compared to his other brothers, he looked almost plain. I’ll have to come up with a better nickname for him in the future.

I’m still deciding on whether I should name the one with the purple hoodie either Trash Man or Pussy Man. He hasn’t really spoken up at all since we arrived, and I dunno if he’s just shy or naturally quiet like Kururi, but either way, he looks like he either wants to low-key commit murder or low-key be murdered. He’s also carrying an orange tabby 24/7, which would explain the Pussy Man part.

And now, I saved the best brother for last. Are you ready to hear his nickname? Here we go.

Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man.

It’s long, I know, but it’s just so perfect.

He’s wearing a green hoodie, though not the same shade of green as Kururi’s hoodie. He just generally looks like a frog, with his cute little mouth and constant croaking whenever he accidentally makes eye contact with me. He’s definitely the biggest virgin in existence. The only thing he’s missing is an actual unicycle.

He’s so cute. I’m gonna have the most fun breaking him.

I was distracted from my thoughts when I noticed Matsuyo-san moving over to set more plates at a smaller table where a much older man sat, presumably the father. I’m kinda relieved, I can’t imagine how Matsuyo-san would be able to handle raising 6 boys all on her own, though she certainly seemed badass enough, so she could probably handle it just fine.

I paused when I realized Matsuyo-san only set two plates at the smaller table, one for her husband, and one for herself.

Looking down, I saw 8 plates set at the bigger table that me, Kururi, and the sextuplets were occupying.

Holy shit.

These boys actually sat at the fucking kid’s table ooOOooOh my fuCkiNg god I’m going to p i s s myself what the fcu k.

I covered my mouth and buried my face into Kururi’s shoulder, not really caring that this only caused the brothers to stare at us even more. I don’t know if Kururi even realized it yet, she probably has but just didn’t find it as funny as I did, but she patted my back nonetheless. I really did not want to break out into loud obnoxious laughter in front of Matsuyo-san, who was kind enough to invite us for a free meal.

After I finally calmed down, I was able to appreciate the wonderful food that Matsuyo-san prepared.

“So, Mairu-chan, Kururi-chan, where are you from?” Matsuyo-san asked, and I thought it was a little weird to have a conversation with someone who was sitting at another table, but I gave a small, barely noticeable shrug and went along with it, seeing as how the entire Matsuno family (sans Window Man) was listening.

“Ikebukuro. We used to live with our brother until he kicked us out and made us fend for ourselves.” I said simply.

“Not true.” Kururi finally spoke up, making some of the brothers jump, as if they forgot she was even here.

I let out a laugh, “Yeah, okay, he’s the one who owns the house we’re living in now. He just made us move in there.”

As time went on, I noticed Matsuyo-san’s questions went from 0-100 pretty quickly.

“So what was Ikebukuro like?” Crazy.

“Were you close with your brother?” You could say that.

“What about your parents?” They’re overseas.

“Got any boyfriends?” Not at the moment.

“Ever thought about marriage?” Oh.

And that last question kind of made me realize she was basically reading out a dating questionnaire. Or, at least, it seemed like it. She didn’t literally have a dating questionnaire in front of her. Maybe she memorized one, or just made one up herself.

The entire time, her husband, whose name we learned was Matsuzo, was quietly eating his food, and the brothers seemed to have relaxed as well, as they were all pigging out on their own food, even fighting over it at some points. They kind of seemed to forget we even existed at all as they continued to stuff their faces, casually insulting each other and spouting lame puns or dick jokes.

Honestly, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Matsuyo-san just dumped all 6 of her sons on our doorstep in the middle of the night and moved to another city with her husband.

I know I would tbh.

I decided to leave all the question answering to Kururi, whose replies were more vague and shorter than mine, as I spotted Window Man still unconscious. Also, was it just me, or did it seem like his plate of food was getting emptier by the minute?

Yeah, his brothers were totally eating his food.

Poor guy.

“Shouldn’t we try and wake up Window Man? He’s gonna miss out on dinner.” I said aloud, drawing the attention back to me. The brothers yet again stared at me, though this time, they were obviously confused.

“Window… Man?” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man tilted his head.

“Yeah! Window Man!” I said excitedly, as if I was talking about a superhero. Come on, he survived falling out a window from the second floor, he practically is a superhero, “The one and only!” I gestured my chopsticks in his general direction, “I mean, it’s not like I know his real name.”

This made Matsuyo-san gasp, “That’s right! I’m so sorry for my shitty NEET’s shitty behavior!” Holy shit she just called her own sons shitty. Twice. And she still managed to sound like a sweet lil old lady. “Boys, introduce yourselves!”

The brothers didn’t even bat an eyelash at being called shitty. Twice. By their own mother. And instead decided to just do as they were told.

Nose Man went first, claiming to be the oldest brother, and introduced himself as Osomatsu as he did that weird nose tick again, grinning all the while. He also had rice stuck on the corner of his mouth, and he either didn’t know or just didn’t care enough to wipe it off. I held back a smirk and reached over, flicking off the rice myself.

That’s right, I went there.

“Keep going.” I said, licking the rice off my finger. Nose Man had frozen in place while I pulled my cheesy suave guy act, and I had to restrain myself from ROFL-ing yet again. Gg @ me. I am truly the best at flirting. He is no doubt falling for me at this very second.

“And, uh, the second oldest is Karamatsu.” Nose Man gestured towards Window Man, hesitating a bit, “...Why do you call him Window Man?”

“Why don’t you call him that?” I retorted, before gesturing for whoever was next to introduce himself.

“U-um…” Oh fuck.

Here come… dat boi.

O SHIT WADDUP.

“My name is Choromatsu. I’m the third eldest.” I almost missed his name. I was too distracted from trying to find if he had any rice on his face so I can pull another suave guy move. Unfortunately, he was more neat than his brothers. I swear if he had even a single grain of rice I would have thrown myself across the table and just licked it off myself.

Instead, I reached over and just grabbed his hand. I didn’t say anything. I just tightly held his hand. Because I wanted to. No one can stop me.

“You are one sexy green bean.”

Except for Kururi, who lightly pulled on my shoulder and made me sit back down.

“Calm down.” She probably took pity on the poor frog boy. His face was bright red and he was croaking again.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll behave.”

“No fair, no fair! Choromatsu-nii-san got to hold hands with a pretty girl!” Sanic Man flailed his arms around.

“Are we even sure she’s a girl?” Trash/Pussy Man muttered, though it was slightly muffled because the lower half of his face was buried in a pussy… cat’s head.

“Nii-san!” M’lady Man scolded him, but I simply laughed.

“Haha, tru tho.” I said without any proper explanation, “Who’s next?”

The other brothers all glanced at Pussy/Trash Man, who simply gave a ‘tch’ and looked away, annoyed, before speaking up, “Ichimatsu.” He looked as if he definitely wanted to murder everyone in the room and then himself.

I pressed my hand to my chest, as if flattered, “Same.” 

“Wha-”

“OH, I’M NEXT, I’M NEXT!” Sanic Man stood up, the sleeves on his hoodie flapping everywhere because they were too long. I wonder if the longer sleeves make him run even faster when he has to go fast. “I’m Jyushimatsu! I like baseball!”

“My sweet sunshine child. I shall play baseball with you.” It took me a second to realize I had said this outloud. It seems as if my inner meme thoughts are slowly leaking out the longer I hang around this family.

Welp, there goes my ‘I’m gonna try to be as polite as possible for Matsuyo-san so I can get even more free food’ plan.

“REALLY!?” He looked ready to explode, completely ignoring the fact that I called him my sweet sunshine child.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun, right Kururi?” I asked, turning towards my sister.

“Sure.” She gave a light shrug in return. It’s not like we really had anything else to do with our lives. Though I'm not gonna lie, neither of us know a thing about baseball, but I'm sure as hell not gonna tell Sanic Man that.

“YEAAAH! BASEBAAAAALL!”

Trash/Pussy Man had to physically restrain Sanic Man and force him to sit back down so the last brother, M’lady Man, could finally introduce himself.

“I guess that saves the best for last~!” Oh dear god, he giggled. “I’m Todomatsu, but you can call me whatever you want.” A wink.

Oh fuCk mE he was too cute.

“Yes.” I immediately said, not even sure what I was agreeing too. No one really questioned me either, so I just rolled with it and continued, “I guess we should introduce ourselves now.” I grinned, sharing a look with Kururi.

“But… we already know your names.” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man said.

I gave a cheeky laugh and just stood up, like Sanic Man had done with his introduction, “I’m Mairu Orihara, nice to meet you! My favorite books to read are encyclopedias, manga, and porn! And I swing both ways when it comes to love and sex, but, I already have a male bed partner in mind, so just forget it! As for girls, I can go out with as many as I want to, so keep that in mind, okay?”

I sat back down, satisfied at the look of shock on the brothers’ faces. Matsuyo-san and Matsuzo-san somehow didn’t seem fazed, as they just continued eating. They were probably used to tuning out things.

“I’m Kururi… Orihara.”

There was silence after Kururi’s introduction as she simply went back to eating as well.

“Wait, that’s it!?” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man cried out, “You don’t have anything else to say after that?”

Wow, his tsukkomi is about as on point as Window Man’s #thicc eyebrows.

“Not really.”

There was more silence as most of the Matsuno family stared at us. They were probably admiring how fucking awesome we were.

I glanced down at my plate of food, realizing that, hey, it’s empty. And hey, so was Kururi’s. Which probably means it’s time to leave. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

“My, it’s getting pretty late. We should probably head back home now.” I said, sending a polite smile over towards Matsuyo-san, as if I didn’t just announce my weird fetishes to her family, “Dinner was lovely, Matsuyo-san, thank you for inviting us.”

“Oh, you’re leaving already. We’d be glad to have you come back for dinner sometime.”

Damn, another free meal? Talk about lucky. Hell, maybe I will marry one of her sons, if it means I can eat here whenever I want.

Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man hastily stood up, looking flustered and just so fuckable, “L-let me walk you out!”

Fuck me in my ass he’s so polite.

I sent him a wide smile, linking arms with Kururi as we stood up together and followed Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man to the front entrance.

Are you getting tired of his name yet? Because I’m not.

I vaguely noticed Sanic Man start to complain again (“NII-SAN, STOP HOGGING THE CUTE GIRLS!!11!@), which prompted Pussy/Trash Man to once again restrain him. Dear god, just let him go fast before he explodes.

We paused by the front door, Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man fidgeting as he avoided to make eye contact with either of us, “W-well, it was nice having you over… we don’t usually have guests…”

I grinned again, “We’ll have to come over more often then, huh?” I nudged him lightly, enjoying how bright red his face got.

“Oh! Right, okay then!” He looked pretty happy, which, of course, made me pretty happy.

I sent a small smirk to Kururi before I let go of her arm and gave a tight hug to the sweet green bean, just to make him squirm. The moment I let go, Kururi moved in to hug him as well, and I held back a laugh at the “fish out of water” impersonation the boy was making.

“Welp, see ya!” And with that, we made our way home, side-stepping the broken glass that was still in the middle of the street and leaving Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man to stare at us blankly from the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyy there it is they finally meet the brothers. The ending was kind of rushed because I felt like this chapter was getting a bit too long and I just wanted to start the third chapter already. Maybe I'll go back and fix a few things on a future date, but for now, you'll have to deal with that shitty ending.
> 
> Also YES Mairu and Kururi's introductions were taken from the english dub don'T FUCKING JUDGE ME


	3. r00d

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special guest appearance by Izaya, for, like, a few paragraphs. And even then he's not actually there.
> 
> Again, please just ignore any typos or errors. I literally just wrote all of this a few hours ago.

“What should we have for lunch?” I asked Kururi, idly looking over the produce that lay before us. I eyed the bags of frozen green peas, smiling to myself as I pictured a certain green bean that had a habit of turning red.

“Breakfast.”

“Oh yeah, I guess whatever we eat now will be our breakfast.”

Kururi and I were currently wandering around a local grocery store, trying to figure out what to buy that’ll last for at least the rest of the week. I doubt we can rely on Matsuyo-san for free meals everyday for the rest of our lives, or for however long we’re going to be living here, so it’d be a good idea to start buying our own ingredients.

It probably also would have been a good idea to have done some shopping the day we actually moved here instead of heading straight over to the Matsuno residence. It wasn’t really fun to wake up to no breakfast. That’s what prompted this little visit in the first place, and now both Kururi and I were absolutely starving.

As I put a carton of eggs into the tiny little green basket I was carrying (I was a little disappointed that Kururi wouldn’t let me grab a cart so I could show off my #sickmovesbrah by riding down the aisles), I noticed Kururi glance at our phone.

“Moving truck.”

“Right, we should probably head home before it arrives.” I glanced at the basket, going over my mental checklist to make sure we weren’t missing anything. Or at least not missing anything too important.

Deeming it good enough, I started heading towards a nearby self-checkout, taking note of Kururi’s soft footsteps behind me.

~

I nearly tripped over myself when our cellphone started ringing on our way home. We didn’t really use our phone to communicate with anyone, it was really just something we got to play games on. The only contacts we had on there were our parents and our brother, and seeing as how we haven’t spoken to our parents in maybe over a year…

“I’ll answer it.” I shifted one of the plastic bags I was carrying over to one hand, now holding out my free hand towards Kururi. She easily handed it over and I was quickly able to hit the ‘answer’ button, making sure to put it on speaker.

“Donald Trump speaking.”

“So how are you enjoying your new home?”

I raised an eyebrow, glancing at the number once more to make sure it was really Izaya calling. It certainly sounded like him, but he doesn’t actually care enough about us to call us just for that.

“And why do you care?”

“Well I didn’t say I did. I just want to make sure you like it enough so that you won’t move back here.”

“We love you too, Iza-nii!” I laughed, swinging the bags of groceries lightly.

“Sextuplets.” Kururi spoke up, and I let out a quick gasp.

“That’s right! Iza-nii, do you know of the Matsuno family?”

“Who do you think I am?”

“A douche.” Aw fuck yeah, sick burn Mairu. Get rekt Izaya. Gg @ me. [Insert The Good Emojis and airhorns here].

“They’re not particularly interesting, other than the fact that their sons are sextuplets.” Izaya ignored my epic diss and continued, “Why are you asking?”

“Neighbors.” Kururi stated.

“Well I knew that already.” Right, of course he did. He owned the house and all. Of course he had to go and stalk the neighbors of a house he didn’t even live in. Fucking weirdo, “I meant why do you even care?”

“Their mother wants us to marry some of her sons.”

“Is that so?” I could tell he was quickly losing interest in the conversation, if he even had any to begin with. Now that he got what he wanted (which I’m assuming is confirmation on whether or not we were moving back), he probably wanted to hang up already.

I saw that we were quickly approaching our house, and I noticed the giant white moving van parked on the street, so I decided to wrap up the conversation for everyone’s sake, “Yup, so we’re gonna marry them and get knocked up and move to Russia! See ya never!” I let Kururi say a brief goodbye before hanging up, not bothering to wait for any kind of reply from our brother.

After handing the phone back to Kururi (we decided it would be better for both of us if she were the one who kept the phone, lest I somehow end up breaking it like I do with most things), we quickly jogged towards the van, seeing two men in uniform waiting around and looking slightly pissed off.

“Hey, hey, sorry we’re late!” I yelled, slowly coming to a stop in front of them.

Both of the men shared a look, raising their eyebrows, before looking back towards us, “You’re the owners of this house?” One man asked, obviously suspicious.

“Yup.” I said, even though we kind of weren’t, but we lived here, so that had to count, right?

The two men shared another look, and I wondered if they were maybe fuckin on the side or something, before they shrugged and started opening the back of the truck. I peeked inside, seeing most of our furniture, especially our beanbags. Thank god, my babies made it safely.

Pursing my lips slightly, I glanced over at the Matsuno residence as a fun little idea started forming in the genius that is my mind.

“You know, you guys don’t have to move the furniture inside. You can just leave it out here and we’ll move it ourselves.” I said, waving my free hand lightly. Kururi stared at me blankly, but seeing as how she didn’t speak up, I assume she didn’t have a problem with it. Instead, she took my half of the groceries and made her way inside the house, probably to put away the food while I dealt with the movers.

One of the men, the one who had spoken earlier, gave me another skeptical look, “You sure?”

“Yeah, some friends are coming over to help anyways.” I said. You know, like a liar. Well, not really. I don’t think anyone in the Matsuno family can count as a friend just yet, but they’re still coming over, whether they want to or not.

The man gave me a look, and it was quite obvious that he seemed to doubt the fact that either of us had friends in the first place.

wow r00d. Mind your damn business @ movers smh. And here I was, trying to be nice to him by giving him less work.

But at least he didn’t say this to my face. He must have remembered that I’m the one paying him here. So he just went back to unloading all of our furniture and other boxes, right there in front of the house. I nodded to myself, as if I had done a good deed, as they finished up unloading the last of the boxes.

And soon enough, after I had paid the two men, they were driving away and down the street, which, I noticed, still had bits of broken glass from the day before. Though some of it does look like it had mysteriously disappeared.

Kururi came back outside, stepping around the maze that was our front lawn full of random furniture and boxes.

“Now what?” She asked, gazing at a nearby box marked as ‘Mairu’s Stripper Clothes’. I may or may not have went a little overboard with labeling the boxes.

“Now, we get some help!”

~

I literally only had to knock twice before the door was immediately thrown open.

“HELLOOOOO!”

Ah, Sanic Man.

The only reason I was even able to tell which brother opened the door was because of the ever present large smile on his face and the loud greeting we got. He wasn’t wearing his usual yellow hoodie, and was instead wearing an actual baseball outfit. He was also carrying a baseball bat, so I assumed he was probably on his way out to play baseball.

Boi, this sunflower really likes baseball.

“WHOAAAAAH, THE CUTE TWINS!”

“Hell yeah.” I sent him a wink, wrapping an arm around Kururi’s waist. He seemed super hyped to see us, or maybe he was just always this hyped. Did he ever calm down? Does he run on batteries?? Does he just recharge every night instead of sleeping ? ?

“Your brothers home?” I asked, looking over his shoulder.

“YEAH YEAH!” He cheered, raising the bat over his head excitedly.

“Cool beans. You guys wanna come over and help move in our stuff?” I gestured vaguely behind me towards our front yard that was still littered with random shit. It didn’t really occur to me until now that we were probably interrupting his baseball time, and I almost felt bad.

Almost.

He didn’t give an exact reply, instead, his grin got even bigger, and he ran back into the house, “NII-SAAAAAAAN!!”

Which?? I guess is a yes??? I mean, I certainly hope he didn’t just ditch us. That’d be pretty r00d imo.

So Kururi and I were just left standing there at their front door, which was still open, btw. We could have just walked right in if we wanted to.

So.

Obviously.

We walked right in.

I really only remembered the way to the room where we ate dinner last night, so that’s where I went, Kururi slowly following behind me. The large kid’s table that we sat at was still there, so we both took a seat and just decided to wait.

Just as I was starting to think about getting up and wandering the entire house myself, another brother came in.

I gasped, “WINDOW MAN!” I screeched, flailing my arms.

Window Man, who was thankfully conscious this time, looked startled and confused for .3 seconds before he finally noticed us. I was able to recognize him because of the dark blue hoodie and the sunglasses that rested on his face. The sunglasses, which were miraculously repaired (or maybe he just had an endless supply of them idk man), were sliding down his nose a bit, so I was able to see his t h i c c eyebrows and his eyes that sparkled more than the fucking pants he wore what the actual f u ckk? Where did he get those even?? Like?? Boi sign me the fuCK up. Why was he not wearing those yesterday??

“Daaaaamn daniel.” I muttered, looking him up and down like he was a juicy piece of meat.

Window Man simply stared at us silently for a bit before he “heh”ed and smirked to himself, placing a hand to his chin as he rested his other arm against the wall, “It seems that my natural charms have finally attracted enough attention to bring my Karamatsu Girls straight to my own abode.”

Wha t the fuck ing fu ck? ??

Wait, back up.

It actually took me a few seconds to figure out what he said, but not just because of the random flowery language and English thrown in his sentences, but because holy shit his voice was d e e p. It was somehow deeper than his other brothers’ voices, except for maybe Trash/Pussy Man’s. But then again, Pussy/Trash Man just mumbled mostly, so it’s not like I can tell just how deep his voice is exactly.

I quietly stood up and approached Window Man before coming to a stop right in front of him.

“What’s this? Does my Karamatsu Girl wish to embrace me in a passionate hug?” He spread out his arms, dropping the small handheld mirror that he was holding previously onto the floor, and threw his head back, as if he was expecting me to leap into his arms, "Come to me, my angel!"

Instead, I held out my hand and started stroking his face.

Holy fucking s h i t.

Did he just squeak?

So not only did this dude use flowery language to try and act cool, but he did it to cover up the fact that he’s just as much of a virgin as his brothers.

Oh my god why are all of these boys so pure?? They are so precious and so fucki ngg soft oh my god??? And there’s six of them ? ? jesus christ send help i am dyingg.

I let out a laugh and a snort at the same time, close to crying, as I turned to my sister, “Kururi you have to feel his face oh my god he’s so soft.”

It seemed as if she already planned on doing so, as she was already standing up before I could finish my sentence. Soon enough, she was using her hand to stroke the other side of Window Man’s beautiful face, which was slowly turning a brighter shade of red every 5 seconds. Fuck, he looked like he was about to faint.

Just for shits and giggles, I decided to tickle the underside of his chin, as if he was a cat.

He just started stuttering, obviously not sure on what to do.

Damn, I definitely should have done this on Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man. He probably would have fucking died right then and there.

“Fucking fuck.” I whispered, in total awe over how precious these boys were.

“CUTE TWINS!” Sanic Man came running into the room, Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man right behind him.

“Oh, they’re really here!” My precious sweet pea floundered a bit, looking confused and lost and dear god I need to hug him.

“Bruzzas!” Window Man managed to wriggle out of our touch, moving to stand next to his, what did he call them? Bruzzas? Fuck man.

Seeing how lost his ‘bruzza’ was, Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man decided to speak up again, “That’s right, you guys haven’t properly met…” He held up a hand, “Karamatsu, this is-”

I interrupted him, holding a finger to his mouth to shush him. Frog boy turned red again, and I held back a laugh as I held my other hand up dramatically to my forehead, “Don’t tell me you forgot us!” I shouted, “After such a… memorable and passionate night, I was sure you would remember us.”

There was a few seconds of silence, the three brothers staring at us blankly, so I continued, “After all, you were so rough.” I wrapped my arms around Kururi, burying my face into her chest, pretending to look upset. She softly rubbed my back in a comforting manner.

“It was our first time.” She said flatly, and I covered up my snort of laughter with a cough.

“EHHHH!?”

“KARAMATSU-NII-SAN, WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT?” Sanic Man flailed his long flappy sleeves around, nearly hitting anyone within a 2 mile radius.

“I- I wasn’t… huh?” Wow, his voice could certainly get pretty high pitched when he wanted it to.

“What’s with all the yelling?” M’lady Man waltzed into the room, holding a smartphone and looking slightly annoyed before he spotted us, “Oh hello~ I see you came back.” He practically skipped towards us, his previous irritated look vanishing almost instantly as he pocketed his phone, “Though I can’t blame you, I am pretty cute, right?”

Oh my god he was so fake. I love it. I wanna smother and hug him at the same time.

“You’re all cute.” I said, laughing.

“A-anyways!” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man coughed loudly, “Karamatsu, these are our new neighbors. They moved here yesterday and came over for dinner, but you were, uh, unconscious back then.”

“Oh…” Window Man trailed off, his face slowly going back to its original color, “So… I didn’t…?”

“Of course not!”

I laughed again, “Yeah man, we were just messin with you.”

Window Man slowly sat down at the table, letting out a sigh and somehow looking relieved and sad at the same time.

Damn dude. You had to be a tru mvp to pull off those two emotions at once.

“My name is Mairu Orihara, and this is my twin sister, Kururi!” I threw my fist in the air, showing off just how fucking hyped I was to finally introduce myself to Window Man.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Kururi smiled lightly.

Seeming to regain his previous cool, Window Man let out another “heh”, adjusting his sunglasses, “Well, it’s always nice to meet more of my Karamatsu Girls.”

What the fuck was a Karamatsu Girl? Was it some kind of club? How did we qualify as them?? Do we get cool af badges?? Matching jackets??? I have so many questions.

However, I decided not to ask any of them, for now, and instead glanced around the room, noticing that most of the brothers were already gathered here. Doing a quick headcount, I realized we were only missing two.

“So, not that I mind, but what are you guys doing here?” M’lady Man asked, sliding up close in our personal space like he belonged there. I grinned and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him even closer.

“Well I already told baseball boy over there, but we wanted to see if you guys would like to come over and help us move in some furniture.” I faltered, realizing I probably should have waited until at least all of the brothers were present before asking.

“That sounds troublesome.”

I jumped, looking around wildly. That sounded a lot like Trash/Pussy Man’s usual mumbled voice, but he was nowhere to be found.

Holy fuck? Did he die? Am I hearing his ghost? I did not sign up for this what the fuc k. Pussy/Trash Man, why did you have to go and die before we could properly get to know each other better?? smh

As if reading my mind, Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man opened a nearby closet door, and lo and behold, Trash/Pussy Man was on the floor, hiding next to a stack of blankets and pillows, looking #deadinside as usual.

“what t he fUCk k!” I shouted, instantly moving back over to Kururi.

“Ichimatsu, stop hiding and come out to greet our guests properly.” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man scolded.

Pussy/Trash Man grumbled before coming out of the closet (lmao) and crawling towards Sanic Man.

Well okay, that’s one brother found (though who knows how long he was hiding in there), now we’re just missing one.

“Where’s Nose Man?” I asked, but only got blank looks in return.

Oh, right, I never really told anyone other than Kururi about all of the little nicknames I gave everyone. Damn, step up ur game @ myself.

“I mean, Osomatsu.” I corrected.

“Do you just have nicknames for all of us?” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man asked me.

“Yes.” I answered, smiling, “Your nickname is ‘Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup’.”

He twitched before he inhaled deeply, closing his eyes, and then exhaled, as if his next words were about to cause him immense pain, “Did you just pull an Osomatsu?”

What.

The.

Fuuuuuck.

What did that mean? To pull an Osomatsu? Was that a thing? Did he just use his brother’s name as a verb? Who the fuck came up with that idea?? Was it Osomatsu himself? Holy shit that’s fuckki ng genius. I want someone to pull a Mairu.

Before I could question or outright start laughing, the man himself came into the room, yawning lazily and still dressed in what I assumed was pajamas. Damn son, did he just wake up? It’s like… well, I dunno what time it was, it’s not like I owned a watch or anything, and Kururi is the one with the phone, but I’m sure it’s at least past noon.

“Whoa, what’s this?” He said, noticing everyone gathered in one room.

“An intervention.” I replied immediately.

Osomatsu (yes, I am going to call him by his name now, Nose Man doesn’t quite seem to do it justice anymore) turned to Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man, looking agitated, “I told you I don’t have a problem with gambling!”

“First of all, yes, you do. Second, this isn’t an intervention.”

“Oh…”

I snorted. Again.

“We want you guys to come over and help us move our shit into our house.” I stated for the third time as I gestured outside a nearby window where you could clearly see all of our junk sitting on our front lawn.

The brothers all peered outside the window as well.

“Whaaaat? That sounds like a lot of work.” Osomatsu yawned again, already making his way to another room. Probably the kitchen. Again, idk man, it’s not like I ever stepped outside of this room in particular. I mean, it’s what I’d do after waking up.

“We’ll pay you with food.” I said, hoping my usual bribing techniques that worked with Kururi would work on these boys as well.

Luckily, Osomatsu stopped in his tracks, and he slowly turned his head towards us, horror movie-style, as did most of the brothers. Kinda scary tbh. “Food? Will it be… a home-cooked meal?”

I shrugged, “Yeah man, we just went shopping.” Though I’m pretty sure we didn’t get enough food to feed six animals, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

“A home-cooked meal by two girls…” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man stared into space, making that adorable face he made whenever he was about to start chirping like a smol baby birb.

Well I’ll take that as a yes.

“We’ll just go ahead and meet you guys over there. You know, in case you need to… change, or something.” I gestured mainly to Osomatsu. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want to spend hours moving furniture in his pajamas. And maybe Sanic Man would want to change too, but idk man he looked v cute in that baseball uniform.

So we left, leaving the boys to their own thoughts. I’m, like, 93% sure they’re gonna come over. Hell, I’m sure Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man would have come over even without the promise of food. He was a really nice green bean.

Once again walking around the glass in the middle of the street, Kururi and I returned to our own residence, already discussing what kind of food we could make that could satisfy a bunch of virgin NEETs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've actually written down a ton of little ideas and fun plot bunnies to add to this story, and some of them will be featured in the next chapter, so I'm v excited. Hope you look forward to it!


	4. Fragile Dildos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boi two chapters in one day? jeez calm down @ myself
> 
> This chapter is kinda short, but it's like, short and sweet, ya know? I enjoyed writing it, at least. Also I'm really glad that there are people who actually enjoy reading this. Like wow?? This was originally something that I just planned to keep hidden away from the public eye?? just something for me and me alone to read? so it's kinda really shocking

“So how does one become a Karamatsu Girl?” I crouched down next to Window Man, balancing a small box full of coats in my arms. Window Man himself was in the process of trying to pick up a small night stand table that you would usually have two people carry, but it seemed as if no one was bothering to help him.

Jesus, someone please _save this man._

He froze when I started talking to him, as if the question I asked was something so bizarre and unheard of. Surely there were other Karamatsu Girls, right? I mean, he spoke as if there were others. Who the hell wouldn’t want to be a Karamatsu Girl?

Then again, I’m still not exactly sure what a Karamatsu Girl _is._

“Why, anyone can become a Karamatsu Girl!” He spoke excitedly, forgetting the night stand entirely as he looked up at the sky all dramatic-like. The guy was practically shining. Well, okay, his pants were shining, not him. But it was _still_ pretty amazing imo.

I looked around, seeing Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man and M’lady Man working together to lift a couch, Osomatsu sitting nearby on a beanbag chair and telling them what to do, acting as if he was helping. Sanic Man, bless this boy, was lifting a large table _all by himself,_ and Kururi was warily watching over him, probably thinking he was going to drop it.

C’mon Kururi, have more faith in yellow Sanic.

Trash Man (yes, I finally decided to just settle on Trash Man, seeing as how he was only _sometimes_ seen with a cat whereas he constantly looked ready to set himself on fire), just decided to move the smaller boxes that didn’t require much effort, such as the one labeled ‘Mairu’s Stripper Clothes’.

“Are there any Karamatsu Boys?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me as I turned my attention back towards him.

Letting out another “heh”, as if it was a tick of his, he smirked, adjusting his sunglasses once more, his hair swaying in the wind that seemed to focus on him and only him, “Just one.”

Literally immediately after he said that, a box came flying out of nowhere and _decked him right in the fucking face._

“Holy shit he’s _d e a d_!” I screeched, watching him fall over.

Instead of helping him, I looked over at the box that just randomly decided to have rough sex with Window Man’s face.

It was labeled ‘Mairu’s Stripper Clothes’.

_Wow._

I was about to offer help to Window Man, but he seemed just fine getting back up on his own. So instead I picked up the box and balanced it on top of the one I was currently carrying. I looked around again, seeing that most of the brothers were continuing with what they were doing, as if Window Man getting his _shit rocked_ was just an everyday thing.

“You okay, man?” I asked as he used part of the night stand table to help balance himself.

“Y-yeah! Thank you for worrying about me, my angel! Just knowing how much you care is enough to heal these wounds of mine!”

Fuck me, this guy was _amazing_. Spouting stuff like that off the top of his head. How does he do it? No amount of time spent re-watching all of Ouran High School Host Club could teach me how to talk like that. This guy has a gift.

“Whoa, what the fuck is that!?” I heard someone yell.

Why is everyone always yelling??

_Like??_

Chill pls, for like 2 seconds maybe? _Including me ? ?_

I turned to see Osomatsu getting up from the beanbag chair to point wildly at a nearby box.

“A box.” M’lady Man grumbled, probably pissed off that his older brother was still doing nothing to help.

“No, I mean, look at what it says!”

Everyone followed his finger again, looking at the box once more. On it, written in large black Sharpie letters, was the word ‘DILDOS’. In all capital letters.

Like I said, I may or may not have gotten a little crazy with labelling these boxes.

Once the brothers were able to tell what the box said, they all turned bright red, immediately turning to look at me and Kururi, who, by now, had moved away from Sanic Man and was instead carrying her own set of boxes. She let out a quiet sigh, as if she couldn’t be bothered to even explain, and instead carried her boxes inside the house, leaving all of the brothers to stare at me.

I smiled at all of the attention, “Sup?"

“You literally have an entire box just filled with dildos?” Osomatsu asked, looking as if he was stuck between laughing and crying.

“Well, that’s what it says, right?” I shrugged.

“B-but…” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man stuttered, “Why does it have… a fragile sticker on it?” He looked afraid to ask, but he did it anways.

I chuckled, setting down my boxes before reaching into my hoodie pocket to take out the small knife that I managed to steal from Izaya (it’s not like he didn’t have a billion other knives), and made my way over to the DILDO box.

I swiftly tore at the tape that was keeping the box shut, ignoring the flustered cries of most of the brothers.

“Holy shit you’re opening it!?”

“Out here in the open??”

“DILDOS!” That last one came from Sanic Man as he threw his arms up in the air, as if excited by the idea of seeing a box full of nothing but dildos. He was also the only one to follow me so he could get the first peek inside the box.

Once it was open, he stared blankly inside, his smile still plastered on his face, though I could tell he was slightly confused, “I’VE NEVER SEEN DILDOS LIKE THESE BEFORE!”

“JYUSHIMATSU!”

I laughed, placing one hand on his shoulder and another on my stomach, because fucking _fuCK_ this child was _so pure_ , “That’s because they’re not dildos.”

“Wha…” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man hesitantly approached the box, Osomatsu and M’lady Man following shortly after. Window Man and Trash Man stayed back, both of them looking slightly lost.

“It’s just a bunch of plates!” Osomatsu looked slightly pissed off as he threw his arms up, as if flipping an invisible table.

“What, you thought we just owned a bunch of glass dildos or something? It’s labelled ‘fragile’ for a reason.” I chortled.

“But why label it d-dildos!?” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man croaked, stuttering over the word ‘dildo’. Fuck me in the ass, he’s too pure to actually say dildo, someone stop this man he’s going to _k i l l_ me.

“For the lolz.” I shrugged.

“Then… what about the one labeled ‘stripper clothes’?” Trash Man spoke up, shuffling his feet awkwardly. Man, I wanted to smooch his nose.

“Oh, you mean the one that randomly attacked Window Man?” I sent him a look, a little amused by how he immediately looked away.

“Window Man?” Window Man himself repeated, and I didn’t bother to explain, instead going back over to pick up the boxes I was holding before.

“Well, it is full of clothes. Just not stripper clothes.” I sent the brothers a wink, “Those are in another box.”

I could tell just by the looks on their faces that they weren’t sure if they should take me seriously anymore.

~

“Finally!” Osomatsu cried out as he plopped down at the large table that Sanic Man had set up in our living room. He fanned himself with his hand, as if he was sweating, “Man, I’m beat.”

“You didn’t do anything!” Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man tsukkomi’d, glaring at Osomatsu.

“Yeah, but it’s really hot outside. And watching you all work made me tired.”

“Stupid older brother.” M’lady Man mumbled, scrolling on his phone. It made me wonder what exactly he was doin on it. I mean, not to sound r00d, but I kinda doubt these guys had friends. Maybe he was catfishing ppl. That’d be fucked up and funny as hell.

I smiled to myself a little, watching as all of the brothers settled around the table. Fuck, they were all here, sitting in our house, probably unaware of how fucking absolutely cute they were being. Dude, we could totally kidnap them all right now and no one would know.

Well, except for maybe their parents, but I’m starting to think they want us to kidnap their children.

“Right, Kururi and I will get started on the food then!” I clapped my hands, wondering if we had any drugs to put them to sleep.

Not that I’d actually sneak it in their food or anything, heh. Just, you know, wondering.

A girl can dream.

And I’m pretty sure Kururi would stop me anyways.

I followed Kururi to the kitchen, knowing it would probably be best to let her handle the actual cooking while I helped out with the smaller things. We looked through the fridge, figuring they probably wouldn’t care what we made, as long as it had meat in it.

“U-um…” Kururi and I looked up from the various foods we were currently looking at to see Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man fidgeting nervously at the entrance of the kitchen, avoiding eye contact. His face was a bright red as he twiddled his thumbs together.

Jesus fucking fuck, I was so close to making a weird choking noise that I’m sure would scare him away. He looked way too cute wha t the fuc k ? Who gave this man the right?? to walk in here? looking like a sweet green bean ? ? His green flannel shirt was tucked _right into his stupid little khakis_ i _canNOT_

“Yes?” Kururi spoke up, seeing as how I was too busy eye-fucking the poor frog boy to respond properly.

“I was wondering if you needed any help with cooking.” He was obviously nervous, you could see it from how he was practically vibrating like a sex toy. Though I imagine using him as one would be uncomfortable. He was a v big boy.

“You are the sweetest sweet pea ever.” I smiled, feeling like I was about to cry, “You don’t have to help out, but if you really want to, then you can.”

That seemed to make him really happy, as he stopped vibrating (unfortunately), and went to get his brothers.

Oh.

_Oh._

He meant getting _all_ of his brothers to help.

With a sudden jolt, I tripped over myself as I rushed to look through our cabinets, searching for something. Kururi stared at me blankly, holding a bag of rice in her hands.

“What are you doing?”

I turned to her, speaking in panicked whispers, “Do we have any flour? Can you _imagine?_ One of the brothers getting flour on their nose? Holy fuc k Kururi I need that more than I need air, fuc k ingg _fuCKk.”_ It took every ounce of my being to keep my voice low, so I wouldn’t alert the brothers in the next room.

Kururi slowly looked over the foods that were already in plain sight, obviously not in much of a rush as I was, “Beef udon.”

I paused, my arms in the process of opening another set of cabinets while I had one leggie raised in the air like some sort of ballerina.

Damn it, I can’t say no to Kururi. If she wants beef udon, then god damn it we’re gonna have beef udon.

Looks like my hunt for flour will have to wait.

With a small sigh, I lowered my leggie and closed all of the cabinets just as the other brothers waltzed into the kitchen.

“So, Chorofappski is kinda forcing us to help out.” Osomatsu said casually, leaning against a counter.

_Chorofappski?_ Damn, Osomatsu was better at giving nicknames than I was. He’s slowly becoming the tru mvp. srry Window Man.

“Well, we decided to make beef udon.” The brothers all perked up, probably because, like I figured, they were going to eat meat. Kururi smiled and took out the beef.

Well, no cute bois were getting flour on their noses today, but at least everyone was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda the introductory chapter for the next one, where the twins actually start spending time alone with each individual brother. as you can see, I'm Karaichi trash (if you managed to pick up that hint to episode 16) so I'm kind of stuck between making the next chapter Karamatsu based or Ichimatsu based.


	5. The Tru Pussy Master

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so?? I didn't think?? this chapter would be so fucKIN LONG??
> 
> I mean, I did plan on having it longer than the other chapters, but not be almost 7,000 words jfc
> 
> I can't promise that the future chapters will be any shorter. I tend to get a little crazy when it comes to adding in random details that add, like, 1,000 words more than I originally planned.

Once again, Kururi and I found ourselves wandering around the local store. But instead of shopping for food (which we probably should be doing, considering we just about used up everything we had feeding those six _animals_ yesterday), we were searching for spying equipment.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I figured it was about time we actually get to know the Matsuno brothers on a more personal level. Now, that didn’t mean I wanted to go and fuck them or anything. I just thought it would be better to know more about them. Of course, we could just go up to them and ask them, like normal people, but it’d be kind of hard for them to be more open towards us whenever they start blushing furiously and look as if they’re about to #dropdead whenever I open my mouth, despite the fact that I very much prefer them that way.

The blushing part, I mean, not the dead part.

That, and we decided it’d be more fun to just follow them around and gather data, like tru detectives. And we all know that Mairu Orihara doesn’t like to do things the _boring_ way.

Thus, the stalking began.

I was currently browsing through long trench coats, wondering which one would have the most “whooshing” effect whenever I did epic stunts and parkour, as most detectives do. I also needed to get myself one of those fancy brown fedoras. Not like the one M’lady Man had, of course. Something less pink and girly. I already owned a pair of glasses, but I was still thinking about getting a fake pair, ones that were bigger than my real pair. Just so I can have them constantly slide down my nose so I can readjust them every 10 seconds.

Or, _even better_ , I could get a pair of sunglasses. Like the one and only Window Man’s.

I’m pretty sure if Window Man was an actual superhero, the sunglasses would be a part of his uniform. He’d also have an extra long and extra glittery cape that he could use to blind his foes before he talks them to death with his flowery words.

And every superhero needs a sidekick!

Of course, I’d happily volunteer for the position, but the name ‘M’lady Man’ just rolls off the tongue so well, it practically sounds like a sidekick name by itself. His finishing move, obviously, would be tilting his fedora and going, “M’lady.”

Thinking this, I couldn’t help but grab a random fedora and try it on, posing in front of a nearby mirror. I tilted the hat, mumbling, “M’lady.”

Fuck yeah, I almost just killed myself there.

But it’s still missing something.

Realizing what it was, I posed again, this time trying to imitate that :3 face that M’lady Man always makes.

Wow, okay, that face is actually a lot harder to make than I thought.

As I spent the next few minutes scrunching my face up in the mirror (ignoring all of the children as they questioned their mothers on what exactly I was doing, which just prompted said mothers to lead their children away), Kururi came up to me, holding a small object in her hands.

“Here.”

Turning, I happily accepted whatever it was without really looking at it until I was able to grasp it myself. I had complete faith in Kururi, so I’m sure she didn’t just hand me a dead animal or anything. I imagine it’d be pretty hard to find a dead animal in a store anyways.

Oh god it was a dead animal.

lol jk

Instead, it was a simple pair of binoculars.

Oh, that’s right. I was so caught up in trying to decide how to _look_ like an awesome detective (that could also make a :3 face), that I completely forgot about the actual tools a detective might need. Wow, gettin real tired of ur shit @ myself.

“Where would I be without you, Kururi?” I paused, already coming up with an answer to my own question, “dead probably, lmao.”

So, that’s how we decided to buy all of the necessary tools before we started looking at trench coats. Of course, we bought a pair of binoculars, because we figured we could probably just share one. We also bought a magnifying glass, though I dunno what exactly we’d use it for. Maybe we’ll come across a crime scene and we’ll use it to get real close n’ personal with the dead body or something. Gloves were also a must have; wouldn’t want our dirty af fingerprints contaminating the brothers or anything they owned. And, of course, we got a simple notepad and a small pack of colorful gel pens, which, ironically, came in the six colors of the brothers.

Awesome, we could be all color coordinated and shit.

Just for laughs, we also bought a matching set of walkie-talkies, despite the fact that we were most likely going to be together throughout this entire stalking process. But it’d still be fun to spout ridiculous codenames to each other and say “over” at the end of every sentence.

And now, finally, we can buy the trench coats and sunglasses and fedoras.

Hey, look at us, being responsible adults with our money. We know what we’re doing.

Waltzing out of the store, donned in our new disguises and carrying bags full of new spying equipment, I felt hella badass. I looked over to Kururi, glad that I decided to buy an extra large trench coat for her. She looked absolutely adorable with her long flappy, Sanic Man-styled sleeves.

Looking through the six colored pens we got, I tried to think about which brother to stalk first. It’s not like we could stalk all of them at once, because, again, there were _six_ of them. Even I’m not that talented. I asked Kururi for her opinion, but she just gave a half-hearted shrug, her fedora tilting a little. In the end, we just decided that whichever brother we came across first would be the lucky winner.

~

Once we made it home and dumped all of our bags on the floor, we lounged around in our Sex DungeonTM, still in our detective outfits. I was sinking into a beanbag chair, staring blankly at the television, while Kururi was gazing out the balcony.

It didn’t occur to me until she spoke up that she was keeping a watch on the Matsuno household.

“Trash Man.”

With a jolt, I rolled out of the beanbag, hastily making my way over to the balcony and peeking my head over the railing.

Sure enough, the Edge Lord himself was exiting the house, dressed in a baggy purple sweater with the word “DAT” printed on the front. As in, Here-Come- _Dat_ -Boi-O-Shit-Waddup. He had the usual sweatpants and sandals, and really the only things that were different than usual about him was the surgical mask he wore and the plastic bag he carried.

“Damn Kururi, good job.” I praised my sister, because she was already better at this whole stalking business than I was. Actually keeping an eye on the house, unlike me, who was staring into space for no fucking reason.

Coming out of my crouch, I stood up dramatically, flipping my trench coat behind me in hopes that it made an actual “whooshing” noise. It didn’t, but I can easily fix that with my own built in sound effects. However, the sound effects had to wait, as Trash Man was quickly on the move, and he’d soon be out of our sights if we didn’t act now. Even though he was moving at the usual pace of a snail, bc, again, he’s #deadinside, so it’s not like he had the energy to actually run.

“Cum, Kururi, Trash Man awaits us!” I quickly jumped over the beanbags (it probably wasn’t necessary, but like I said, epic stunts and parkour are something every detective needs) and dashed out of the room, practically flying down the stairs. It was moments like these that made me wish I had an action packed soundtrack playing in my life.

I only just remembered to dig through the bags and take out the notepad and gel pens while Kururi grabbed the binoculars and walkie-talkies. We figured it’d probably be okay for now to leave the gloves and magnifying glass, because thinking back on it, we probably don’t have any actual use for them.

But, the walkie-talkies were still a must.

We exited the house, making sure that Trash Man was a good distance away before we actually started following him. As we moved, I tore open the gel pens pack, making sure to throw away my trash in a conveniently placed trash bin because I’m a #responsibleadult who doesn’t litter. I picked out the purple pen and shoved the others in my trench coat pocket, flipping open the tiny notepad to the first page.

At the top, in sparkly purple letters, I wrote ‘Trash Man’s Epic Adventure of Finally Accomplishing His Lifelong Dream of Setting Himself on Fire’. It was long, and just barely fit, but I planned ahead and used super tiny handwriting bc I’m smart.

“Kururi, it’s time to put our Ph.D.’s in being tru detectives to good use.” I whispered as she started opening the packaging for the walkie-talkies, the binoculars hanging around her neck. She threw away the walkie-talkie packaging as well, because she is also a #responsibleadult.

I gratefully accepted the walkie-talkie that she handed me before going back to the notepad, already writing down the first bullet point that would soon become an entire list of random notes about Trash Man.

_‘Wears surgical masks – but y tho? Is he sick? Does he need something to keep his empty and cold black heart warm? More research needed.’_

Nodding to myself, I placed the purple gel pen behind my ear, having to tuck it slightly under my fedora as I did so. I looked up again, seeing that Trash Man was still in our sights and blissfully unaware of our presence.

Congratulations, Trash Man. Because you were the first sextuplet to be spotted by us today, you’re the lucky winner. Your prize? Having the constant feeling of being watched and becoming paranoid as we stalk you for the rest of the day, eventually having your sanity drained.

~

It’s been exactly 1 hour and 32 minutes since we started following the purple specimen. He’s literally just been walking (or shuffling slowly, rather) around town, not bothering to talk to anyone, though that’s not surprising. He’ll sometimes stop to readjust his hold on the plastic bag, which only proves to make me even more curious about its contents.

He’s mostly sticking to the sidewalk, close to the walls of the buildings and trying to make himself as small as possible to avoid any contact with the vile creatures that were more commonly known as the human race.

Damn, Izaya would probably smack me for calling humans ‘vile creatures’. But whatever.

The specimen hasn’t noticed us, though other people certainly have. I guess trench coats, fedoras and sunglasses stood out. Honestly, I think the only reason Trash Man himself  _hasn’t_ noticed us is because every time he looks in our general direction, Kururi and I dive into the nearest bush or alleyway, whereas when other people look at us, we don’t bother to do anything, other than silently tell them to mind their own damn business.

The entire time we’re following him, I’m constantly writing down every detail I notice about him, continuing right from ‘Wears surgical masks’.

_‘Specimen doesn’t wear socks with sandals = not a fuckboi. Thank god.’_

_‘Wears the same sweatpants every single day, from what I’ve seen. Same tbh.’_

_‘Why doesn’t he brush his hair tho? Has he accepted his fate of becoming a hobo??’_

_‘also where tf is he goin? i guess that’s pretty important too’_

_‘Why he got dat plastic bag?? what’s in it? Drugs?? Porn stache? ? collection of severed limbs to sacrifice to the cat gods? ? ?'_

I chewed on the pen, a nasty habit that I don’t actually have, and only did it bc it’s what tru detectives do. I don’t think this whole stalking thing was working out too well. It only gave us more questions, ones that would require a lot of effort to find the answer to.

“Look.” Kururi spoke up, holding up the binoculars as she peered through them at Trash Man’s general direction.

I hastily put my head next to hers, looking through one half of the binoculars as she looked through the other. It probably wasn’t necessary to use the binoculars in this situation, seeing as how Trash Man wasn’t _that_ far away to begin with, so we only ended up getting a close up of the purple specimen’s ass (which Kururi and I shared a small giggle over).

So, we ended up putting down the binoculars, instead deciding to use our regular eyesight.

Trash Man himself had just turned into an alleyway, as if it was just a thing to do.

I paused.

I had _so many_ questions.

Why was he going in an alleyway? I mean, I knew he was a Trash Man, but does he truly wish to belong with his people? What is my child doing with a plastic bag in an alleyway? Is he into some serious shady business?

_Fuck that._

I marched up to the alleyway, before stopping again. Kururi looked just as conflicted as I did.

“He’s definitely gonna notice us if we go in there.” I said flatly, stating the obvious. It’s not like there was anywhere we could hide in an alleyway without the Trash Man himself noticing. He’s probably memorized every alleyway in the city.

I was seriously considering changing his nickname from Trash Man to Trash King.

Speaking of, why did he chose this alleyway in particular? We’ve gone past dozens of alleyways, and this one is pretty far away from his house. Was there something special about this alleyway? Did it have a more pleasing amount of trash than the other alleyways?

God damn it I have _s o many fuCK inG g queSTIONS_

I was close to pulling at my hair and nibbling at the end of my braided ponytail, a nasty habit that I actually _did_ have whenever I was agitated, when I heard a noise from the alleyway.

My first instinct was to assume it was moaning (growing up in Ikebukuro did things to you), but then my brain was able to register that it was, in fact, meowing.

Holy fuck k ing _sh it_ was he _actually sacrificing limbs to the cat gods?_

I shared a _look_ with Kururi.

A _‘yeah we definitely have to check this shit out’_ look.

So, we thought, ‘fuck it’, and waltzed right into the alleyway.

Of course, it was super dark, as were most alleyways. Also a bit quiet, save for the occasional meow. Obviously, trash was _everywhere,_ but we could at least walk through it and make our way further into the alleyway. There was even the classic large green dumpster, and I truly hoped Trash Man didn’t, like, get himself stuck inside of it or something. That’d be a lil silly and _really fuckin funny._ Like, _damn son_ , how’d you manage that? Were you tryin to find the undertrash city of Atlantis? lmao get ur shit together @ Trash Man. You should have at least invited us.

But, speaking of Trash Man, he actually wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

Kururi and I stood there, donned in our detective disguises, in the middle of an empty alleyway, listening to cats meow up a fuckin storm as we tried to search for the mysterious Trash Man. If you told me a week prior that this is exactly what I’d be doing with my life, I would have laughed and said “tru tho”.

I figured it was probably about time we left, seeing as how we lost sight of our target. Maybe we could follow Trash Man again tomorrow. Tru detective work doesn’t get done in just one day, after all – wait what the fuck.

Was that… actual moaning this time?

_Holy f uckin g fuc k whaA T tHe fuC K?_

_Was my precious trash bby a prostitute? Was he sellin his body? To cats? ? in a dumpster? ???_

I didn’t spend over an hour running around in the heat outside wearing absurdly large trench coats _just_ to hear this child moan.

_Well, on second thought…_

No, that’s not important at the moment!

I shared yet another look with Kururi, this one different from our previous look. This was a _‘what the fuck is our child getting up to we did not raise him this way pls send help contact social services or the police or the fire department oh g o d’_ look.

I shuffled my way over to the dumpster, immediately opening it, and ready to scold my trash son (“ _how dare you disappoint your parents like this, your mother is not happy with you young man_ [cue gestures towards a crying Kururi] _we raised you better than this I did not spend over $100 on fake detective equipment just to use it to discover our son is a cat prostitute”)._ However, the dumpster was empty, and it was literally just full of actual piles of trash that nearly made me gag, so I closed it.

Well, that was a bust.

I was ready to scream my frustrations to the heavens, when I noticed a fuzzy lump of black hair moving next to the dumpster.

Slowly leaning over, I saw him, Trash Man, in all of his Trash GloryTM, lounging on a pile of large black trash bags, surrounded by what _must_ be at least 11 cats. He somehow hadn’t even noticed us yet, and was instead too busy feeding the cats, as if he were the tru Pussy Master, and the black trash bags were merely his throne. The previous moaning I heard was just him making little noises whenever the cats would lick at his hands.

Taking a moment to collect myself, I simply stared at him, quietly beckoning Kururi to get a closer look as well. We shared _yet another_ look, this one saying, _‘kids these days smh’._

So, inhaling deeply, I let out a smile, “Damn son, is this your tru natural habitat, trash baby?” I spoke as if I was using a cheesy pick-up line. I’m sure Window Man would have been proud.

As expected, he flinched, as if he was a cat himself, and immediately flailed away. He rolled out of the trash bags, parkour style, and managed to pick up a nearby glass bottle as he did so. He stood up and smashed it loudly against the brick wall, the sound of glass shattering echoing throughout the alleyway and scaring the cats themselves, before holding it out threateningly.

_H o t. D a m n._

If that’s wasn’t the most impressive shit I’ve seen all day, I’m gonna _piss_ myself. He moved so fucking fast, Sanic Man would have been jealous.

Kururi and I remained calm, because despite the fact that we were impressed, we weren’t losing our shit at having the broken end of a glass bottle being pointed at us. We’ve faced and gotten out of worst situations. So we simply stared at him, watching as he breathed heavily, his face still obscured by that surgical mask. I could tell that his face was bright red, though it probably wasn’t the usual _‘oh shit a girl is flirting with me’_ flush that I’ve seen on him and his brothers before.

Then, he actually calmed down long enough to take a good look at us.

He probably didn’t recognize us at first, because the sunglasses and fedora certainly covered up most of our faces, but it was quite obvious he knew who we were when he lowered the bottle, lightly dropping it on the ground with a soft _clink._

“Oh… it’s just you two…”

I raised an eyebrow, “You’re caught feeding cats in an abandoned alleyway by two strangers, and your first instinct is to shank a bitch?” I clapped, “damn, gg @ trash baby. I am truly impressed, Pussy Master.”

He paused, shuffling his feet a bit, as he looked between the two of us, looking slightly nervous over the amount of attention and praise I was giving him. He looked caught between apologizing and just straight up _bookin it outta there._

“…Pussy Master?”

I snorted before slapping my knee, “Yeah son, you were certainly the master of all dat pUSSY! OOOOOOWHOAAAH AHAAHAAA!” I laughed loudly at my own joke, pointing to all of the cats. I was truly a master of comedy. A relatable guy. I held out my hand for an epic high-fiveTM, but the only one who returned it was Kururi, bless her soul.

“Dank.” She muttered, adjusting her sunglasses.

Everyone loved me and my jokes.

Everyone except Pussy Master (yup, his nickname got upgraded) I guess bc he wasn’t laughing. Boi, what’s wrong with u? Don’t u know comedy gold when u hear it??

He simply stared at us blankly, no longer looking nervous as he did before. Which, I guess is a good thing?? I mean, I don’t want my trash baby to be constantly nervous, not like Here-Come-Dat-Boi-O-Shit-Waddup Man was.

“Did you just… pull an Osomatsu?”

The sudden use of the phrase ‘pull an Osomatsu’ appearing again startled me so much that I snorted and choked at the same time.

_Fu c k Ing w ha T? ?_

“Are you _fucking kidding me?_ Is that a thing? You guys have used it twice now _wha t the fuc k ? ?_ You guys have a specific term you use for your meme fuckboi of a brother?? I’m gonna _p i s s myself jesus fuc k in g fcuk._ ” I couldn’t help but laugh even harder, sinking to the ground and clutching my stomach. Even Kururi looked away, covering her mouth with her hand.

We really gotta learn more about this ‘Osomatsu’ character if he’s as much of a mean meme making machine as everyone says he is. I’m sure we’d get along swimmingly.

Taking a deep breath as the last of my giggles left me, I grabbed onto Kururi’s long flappy sleeves to help pull me up, over dramatically wiping a tear from my eye.

“That was some gud shit.” I said, nodding to myself.

Pussy Master just awkwardly looked away, probably trying to decide the best course of action to take. I’m assuming he was thinking about leaving, seeing as how he was eyeing the entrance to the alleyway.

Nono, that won’t do. I still have so many questions.

“Anyways, now that you’ve spotted us, I guess this mission was a complete failure.” I said, taking out my small notepad again and flipping it open, twirling the purple gel pen in one hand, all professional-like.

Pussy Master looked at us again, eyeing us up and down, and normally, I would have been flattered, but the look in his eyes didn’t seem too happy.

“Were you following me?” He held an accusatory tone in his voice.

Oh, right. I guess that’s not a thing most people would be happy to discover.

Glancing down at our outfits, I took a moment to try and think of a way out of this particular situation. Was there really any legit reason someone would wear a trench coat, sunglasses, and a fedora if they _weren’t_ stalking someone? I imagine Window Man probably dresses like this sometimes, so maybe…

“We’re studying on how to become tru Karamatsu Girls. For scienceTM.” I said, slightly proud of myself.

Pussy Master looked appalled and slightly disgusting that a _nyone_ would want _anything_ to do with his brother. Come on man, don’t be r00d. Window Man was p cool, imo.

“Then why follow _me?_ ” He slowly made his way back to his Trash Bag Throne, but he didn’t sit down again. Instead, he bent down and picked up a small bag of dried sardines, mostly empty, I noticed.

As inconspicuously as possible, I wrote down another bullet point in the notepad.

_‘Feeds cats dried sardines in empty alleyways - truly a gentleman’_

“Well, seeing as how you’re his only Karamatsu Boy, we thought you’d-”

“I’m not! Who said that!? Don’t listen to them! I’ll kill them!”

I flinched, surprised at how fucking _squeaky_ his voice got. Shit man, his voice could _crack._ Was he still goin through puberty? Poor guy.

“Right okay.” I said quickly, just to get him to _calm tf down._ His face was _beet red_ and he looked ready to shank us again, “You’re not a Karamatsu Boy. That’s cool. Neither are we.” Because, you know, we didn’t have penises.

“Why would you want anything to do with that Shittymatsu? He’s a piece of trash who can’t do anything except spout painful lines and look terrible in his stupid bright clothes. I bet he doesn’t even _know_ proper English or French.”

Kururi and I stared at the purple crayon as he continued to ramble; he probably didn’t even realize he _was_ rambling. Also, the Trash King himself calling someone trash? Damn son, you know you’re truly a piece of shit when that happens.

And when the _fuck_ did Window Man ever say anything in French? _This_ I gotta hear.

I wrote down another bullet point.

_‘very obv a Karamatsu Boy and probably hates himself for it – poor soul’_

Biting on the end of the pen again, I drowned out the sound of Pussy Master ranting about his “shitty older piece of shit brother” as I took out the blue pen from my pocket and made a tiny little blue star next to that bullet point, mainly to remind myself in the future to question Window Man himself about this.

I glanced over at Kururi, seeing her listening to Pussy Master, occasionally nodding in agreement, as if she were his therapist.

“So are you always sneaking out of the house to feed cats?” I asked, mainly to get him to shut up about his weird brother complex for like, _two seconds._

_pls, fuckin chill my child._

Pussy Master paused, obviously not expecting the question, I guess. I dunno why he seemed so surprised. I _am_ genuinely curious about his love for cats. How many cats does he feed? Is this the only alleyway he visits? Do his brothers know about his late night cat activities?

Okay, it’s not late night, it’s more like maybe 3 in the afternoon, but whatever.

“I don’t sneak out of the house.” He went back to mumbling, adjusting the surgical mask over his mouth again, as it had somehow slid down his chin during his rant, “Nobody cares about where I go.”

_I care,_ I wanted to say, but then that’d probably freak him out even more so. _I care very much about your trashy life, my son. Now give your father a hug._

Instead, I wrote down another bullet point.

_‘thinks everyone hates him for some reason – I gotta show this child more luv before social services takes him away’_

There were plenty of other questions I wanted to ask ( _seriously, y doesn’t he brush his fuckin h a i r ??),_ but I’m sure he’d get suspicious again, and I can’t have that.

“Cats.” Kururi spoke up, and Pussy Master simply stared at her, confused.

Right, not everyone can understand Kururi’s way of speaking like Izaya and I can.

“They still look hungry.” I explained, crouching down towards the cats that were now crowding around Pussy Master’s legs.

He looked at all the cats, reaching down to pet a few, before giving them the rest of the sardines left in the bag. He furrowed his brows, obviously agitated by something. Seeing as how I was still crouching, I slowly hopped on the balls of my feet towards him.

What’s up trash baby? y u look so down? F u ck man, lemme help, tell me what’s wrong _pls just stay happy._

“There’s not enough…” He answered the question that I didn't even get to ask out loud, looking among the sea of pussy that surrounded him and probably thinking I might not hear him. But Mairu Orihara’s ears are #dopeasfuck, so of course I heard him.

“We’ll buy you more!” I cheered, once again scaring the ever loving _fuck_ outta him. Boi, this child scares easily. You gotta handle him with care. With nourishment. Like he a smol bby birb.

“What?” He looked at me, then at the empty bag of dried sardines, “Wait no-”

“Too late!” I stood up, this time making sure to add small “whooshing” effects to my coat as I flapped it around, “We’re taking you to the store, little one!” I pointed dramatically at Pussy Master, who was still crouching on the ground, staring up at me with a ‘deer in headlights’ kinda look.

Eventually, he shook his head, standing up and shoving his hands into his pockets, “Don’t call me that.”

_What?_

I’ve been calling him ‘trash baby’, ‘son’, and even ‘Pussy Master’ and he decides that ‘little one’ is the _one_ thing I can’t call him?

_This fuckin guy._

He’s obv got his priorities straight.

Before I could retort with something sassy like, “well what should I call u then, oh great Pussy Master?” and proceed to imitate air horn noises with my mouth because of that _sick burn,_ Pussy Master started shuffling towards the entrance of the alleyway, hands still in his pockets.

“So? Are we going or not?” He sent us an impatient look when he saw that Kururi and I were just standing there, staring at him like a couple of dorks.

Well _damn_ son, calm ur fuckin tits. Didn’t know you were so eager to have two sugar daddies spend money on ur poor ass.

But I didn’t say anything, and obviously, neither did Kururi, so we sent each other a look for the fourth time, though even I’m not sure what kind of look it was. Just a _look._ Then we shrugged and decided to just follow Pussy Master to the store that we were literally shopping at just an hour earlier.

~

When we finally arrived at the store again, Pussy Master suddenly looked like he regretted every decision he made in his entire life that led up to this moment. He hesitated when going inside, as if he didn’t a _ctually_ think we were offering to buy him more dried sardines for his cats.

C’mon, we’re not r00d.

And we were planning on spending as much time as possible with Pussy Master anyways. Or rather, we were planning on following him for as long as possible, but that plan kind of failed the moment we startled him out of his Pussy Kingdom. God, gg @ Orihara twins, once again fuckin everything up.

“So how many bags of sardines do you need?” I asked, assuming he was going to buy the same kind of food he was using before. I mean, I dunno much about cats in the first place, so I’ll just leave most of the responsibility to Pussy Master.

“Uh… just one.” He awkwardly looked away again, suddenly losing the confidence he had back in the alleyway. Well, the confidence that he had for, like, .2 seconds when he told us to hurry tf up. He was literally a small bundle of inwardly shrieking nerves that just wanted to die most of the time.

God, I felt so bad for this kid.

I nudged Kururi’s arm a bit, subtly nodding my head in Pussy Master’s general direction once I got her attention, before lightly grabbing the trash child’s elbow. Seeing this, Kururi did the same to his other arm, and together, we led him inside the shop, ignoring his flustered mewls.

“So, one bag of dried sardines. Seeing as how Kururi and I are absolute n00bs when it comes to cats, why don’t you lead the way to all of the animal stuff, oh great Pussy Master.” I held out a hand, bowing slightly, because he truly _was_ the great Pussy Master, so he deserved my upmost respect.

He let out another ‘tch’ noise, looking away, before stalking off to what I assumed was the pet aisle.

Why was this guy such a fuckin _tsundere jesus fuc k me seriously he is t o o cute who gave him the right?? ?_

Eventually, we found ourselves surrounded by bags and bags of different cat foods. Holy hell man, I didn’t know there were so many different kinds. This was kind of ridiculous. These ppl needed to get their shit together.

Pussy Master seemed to find which kind of food he needed quickly enough, which led me to believe that he literally has no life and probably comes here 8 times a week, spending whatever money he can just so he can keep his little feline friends happy.

Same tho.

But really, it was kind of sweet how he cared so much for these cats, despite the fact that he looked as if he hated the entire human race. It’s nice to know he’s not _completely_ full of salt and bitterness like I originally thought.

“Why are you being so nice?” I jumped at the sudden, quiet, question he asked as we exited the store, holding exactly one bag of dried sardines. Kururi and I still had yet to take off our tru detective outfits, so I was getting kinda sweaty and eager to head home, but I at least wanted to help Pussy Master finish up feeding the cats, so we followed him back to the alleyway.

I answered without hesitating, “Because we’re friends.” But then I paused, before adding, “duh.”

Pussy Master managed to look even more confused, if it were possible, “We are?”

I chuckled, lightly punching him in the arm, “Yeah, we had dinner at your place, you helped us move our shit, we paid you with food. That’s what friends do, right?” I mean, it’s not like Kururi and I had that many friends in the first place, so I only _assumed_ that’s what friends did.

“If we’re friends then why don’t you just call me by my name instead of Pussy Master?” He went back to his default #deadinside look, looking agitated once more.

I gasped, “Can we really!?” Honestly, I grew kind of attached to Pussy Master pretty quickly, both the name and the actual person. It’d be weird to just suddenly drop it and call him… uh… “Wait, what was your name again?”

“Ichimatsu.” Instead of the man himself replying, Kururi answered me.

“Ah, Ichimatsu.” I said the name aloud, testing it. “Ichimatsu, Ichimatsu, Ichimatsu.” I chanted it, trying to make it stick in my brain.

“You can stop, now.” Puss- Ichimatsu grumbled, pulling the surgical mask further up his face to hide how he was _so obviously_ blushing.

Yeah, no, your face is too _c u t e_ when you’re blushin, _do not hide it from me._

I reached over and lowered the mask myself, throwing caution to the wind. Unsurprisingly, he let out a squawk, and I was able to see those fucking _razors_ he calls teeth.

“Holy fu C K.” I screeched, “Your teeth are _on point!_ I just thought you were sick or somethin but holy hell man. How did you get them like that? ? Are you secretly part shark? Fuck that’s amazing oh my _g o d_.” I hastily handed the bag of sardines to Kururi so I can write down another bullet point in my handy dandy notepad TM.

_‘Probably part shark - fuck man this is too cool, we need to take him to the beach or somethin I wonder if he has any fins under that sweatshirt of his god I’d totally let him take a bite outta me with those smh’_

Thankfully, Ichimatsu was too busy readjusting his surgical mask to really notice what I was doing. I did _not_ want him questioning why I was writing down this weird and slightly kinky shit.

Unfortunately, I never got any of my questions answered, as we were finally back at the previous alleyway from before. Or, at least, I assumed it was the same one? I mean?? All alleyways pretty much look the same to me tbh. But I trust Ichimatsu to know which alleyway was which. He is the tru Trash King after all.

After Kururi handed him the bag of dried sardines (because, again, he is the tru Pussy Master, and I doubt any of the cats would just let _us_ feed them), he proceeded to feed whichever cats he managed to miss the last time he was here.

I leaned against the wall, watching him with a smile on my face. Now, I don’t wanna get all sappy or anything, but _damn_ was this a cute scene. I guess the overwhelming smell of trash and the slight fear that Ichimatsu might be whoring himself out to cats distracted me from noticing this earlier. Kinda wish I had a camera with me at the moment.

Oh damn, we totally should have gotten a video camera while we were buying all of that detective shit earlier. Recording secret videos is obv a must have when you’re stalking people.

When Ichimatsu finished feeding the rest of the cats, he stood up and pocketed the half empty bag of sardines, turning to leave the alleyway. However, he flinched when he saw us standing there, watching him, as if he forgot we were even there. He didn’t think we left or anything, did he?

Hell no, as his sugar daddies, it’s our duty to walk him home.

“Heading home?” I asked, raising my arms above my head and stretching my back a bit.

“Uh, yeah.” He tugged at the sleeves of his sweater, still avoiding eye contact. _God_ , is there a limit to his cuteness? I’m gonna _d i e._

“Hella. We’ll walk you there.” He was very obviously about to protest, so I very obviously stopped him before he could, “Dude, we live right across from you anyways. We kinda have to.” I nudged him before Kururi and I grabbed his elbows again, leading him out of the alleyway. He awkwardly shuffled along, eyes darting about, as if he wasn’t even sure where to look at this point. I imagine that this is probably the most intimate he’s ever been with a girl, especially _two_ of them.

And so started the long trek back towards our neighborhood, most of it was spent with me asking whatever questions I could while I had the chance _(“so, like, exactly how long have you been the master of pussy, Ichi-bro?”)_ and Ichimatsu would answer them in the most sophisticated way possible _(“What the fuck?”)_.

Truly a bonding experience worth remembering.

~

“Ugh, we’re finally home!” I flopped down on the floor after I _immediately_ shredded off that stupid trench coat. I was actually starting to regret buying it. Not the fedora or the sunglasses tho. Never.

“Shower.” Kururi also took off her coat, already gathering up some pajamas to change into.

“Yeah, yeah, you can use it first.” I waved her off, rolling onto my stomach as I practically crawled towards the balcony, enjoying the fresh afternoon breeze on my face. I made an effort to peek my head over the railing so I could get a better view of the Matsuno household, where we had just dropped off our precious trash baby a few minutes earlier. I eyed the window on the second floor, the same one that Window Man had been so miraculously _thrown_ out of, noticing how it seemed to be boarded up with thin planks of wood now. I imagine it was some kind of crappy substitute that they were using until they could actually afford to get it fixed.

Even from here I could hear the loud shouting from inside, as well as the occasional bang. Holy hell man, those brothers certainly loved to fuckin _brawl._ Did they just have some kind of fight club? Like, _‘hey let’s get together on the weekends and just fuckin deck each other with our fists’_. Sign me the fuck up pls. I’d totally _destroy_ those virgins.

I let out a sigh and rolled back into the Sex DungeonTM, making my way over to my previously discarded trench coat and digging through the pockets to pull out the gel pens and notepad. Flipping open to the first page, I crossed out the name “Trash Man” and wrote in “Ichimatsu”, so now it read, ‘Ichimatsu’s Epic Adventure of Finally Accomplishing His Lifelong Dream of Setting Himself on Fire’. Unfortunately, he has not accomplished his dream _yet_ , but he will.

One day.

I believe in him.

I even reread some of the bullet points, adding on to some of them.

_‘Why he got dat plastic bag?? what’s in it? Drugs?? Porn stache? ? collection of severed limbs to sacrifice to the cat gods? ? ? – it’s literally just fuckin cat food’_

I still think he sacrifices limbs to the cat gods, tho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys wanna count how many times the word 'trash' was used in this chapter? I have no fuckin clue so if you get it right there probably won't be a prize lol.
> 
> So, dunno which brother I'm gonna write next. There's a pretty low chance that it's gonna be Karamatsu (i need a break from the subtle Karaichi/Ichikara okay I'm gonna d i e), but I'm thinking either Totty or Churro-boi.
> 
> Also hey let's just pretend that Mairu and Kururi used american dollars to pay for their "tru detective" shit okay? ahahaha pls

**Author's Note:**

> If you do ever check out the story that I mentioned in the notes at the beginning, you'll probably notice a few similarities between this story and that one. I'll try to keep them to a minimum, I do want this to be as original as possible, but some of the ideas were just way too funny to me.


End file.
